In philosophy class we discussed it. I never got an answer. what is the purpose? Why do i exist?
For the first 10 years of my adult life i just went through the motions, without a plan, just day to day. I enjoyed myself and wasn't thinking about how or what the next step would be. That got me through colleg and the next five years.
Over the years, i've made thousands of lists, affirmations, declarations, promises. What my hopes were for the future. What i wanted my future to look like, married at 25, children at 27. loose 50 lbs by my birthday. But I never followed through., never had an action plan.
Then around my 25th birthday, I decided I needed to start thinkging about the future.
A light went off, must have been all the employee training sessions i had given on writting SMART goals and putting a timeline i order to accomplish those "wishes" and "dreams".
The next ten years, I struggled aligning my goals with my current state. I knew what i wanted but didn't know how to get there. I would easily be distracted or convinced otherwise. Surrounded by constant self talk which was negative. "I'm not worth it?" "No one will love me?" "no one understands me" "I have to take care of others to be loved".
What will the next ten years be like. Am I going to make decisions to make myself stronger? Will I finally accept that I am worth it. I am strong, smart, sexy. To love myself first! To stand up for myself and what i want. Not to compromise or but myself on the back burner.
I've stumbled, had lot of fun and most of all learned about myself and I'm still figuring out what my purpose is.
My greatest lesson have come in the form of conversations. Sometimes I learned things immediately, others took me years to truly sink in and implement. Maybe I'm a slow learner.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Random thoughts that need to be expanded upon
Aunt Marie - No regrets conversation
Mom - communication, clear and direct. Don't avoid difficult conversations or assume others don't want to know "mom's childhood". Dad
anchan - for every action there is an equal reaction.
forgiveness,told her to stop singing when I was a teenager, took away the pleasure. now I know, I don't care what i sound like or look like. I'm not embarrashed by what others think. I don't have to be perfect, enjoy life. She forgave me and now i need to forgive myself. The cruelty of words, self centeredness.
mom -God damn it - enjoy yourself
Grandma - too bad you are such a big girl. Your mom is tiny.
Pete - no conversations of meaning, dinner, how was your day, bills
Yellow jeep guy - laid in bed and talked for hours, about his family, what he did, what he wanted to do, his goals. It scared me, was I good enough?
Gail - sharing advice but then not feeling honest with myself, struggle with my weight, you must take action.
Dan - car conversations from politices, religion, economics, office politics,dreams, family. Over the miles traveled and hot tub debate. he is hard headed, closed minded and I was stupid and crazy. No common sense.
KP - religion and value of faith in my life, managing depression
Scott - inconditional love, pride, asking for each other's advice
Mom - communication, clear and direct. Don't avoid difficult conversations or assume others don't want to know "mom's childhood". Dad
anchan - for every action there is an equal reaction.
forgiveness,told her to stop singing when I was a teenager, took away the pleasure. now I know, I don't care what i sound like or look like. I'm not embarrashed by what others think. I don't have to be perfect, enjoy life. She forgave me and now i need to forgive myself. The cruelty of words, self centeredness.
mom -God damn it - enjoy yourself
Grandma - too bad you are such a big girl. Your mom is tiny.
Pete - no conversations of meaning, dinner, how was your day, bills
Yellow jeep guy - laid in bed and talked for hours, about his family, what he did, what he wanted to do, his goals. It scared me, was I good enough?
Gail - sharing advice but then not feeling honest with myself, struggle with my weight, you must take action.
Dan - car conversations from politices, religion, economics, office politics,dreams, family. Over the miles traveled and hot tub debate. he is hard headed, closed minded and I was stupid and crazy. No common sense.
KP - religion and value of faith in my life, managing depression
Scott - inconditional love, pride, asking for each other's advice
Visit with Nut
Tracey had asked for me to call her when I was in town. She wanted to see me, wanted me to see the kids. She had been aloof the last several times I talked to her. Something was going on.
I called as she requested and we made plans for that Wednesday when she was going to be home. I called on Tuesday to confirm and the response, set me back.
She answered the phone as if I was a service provider, who had called at a bad time. She simply said, "I need to reschedule. I'll call you later". No explanation. I was only in town a few days, there was no rescheduling at this point. I didn't have a car, I was relying on everyone elses availability.
She never called.
I was hurt, but most of all. I wondered what I had done. Why was she treating me that way. Eventually I figured out, maybe it wasn't me. Things are not always what they seem. Let it go.
Over the holidays, I thought I would reach out. Be the better person.
After two conversations, the first one rather curt. I broke down and asked. What happened? Why did you treat me that way?
She explained that he boss was sitting next to her in her cube. She was embarrashed and didn't know what to do when the phone rang. She didn't want to get in trouble for a personal call.
I wondered why she hadn't called to explain after. But I let it go. She was in a bad place and I wasn't going to let it put me there too.
I called as she requested and we made plans for that Wednesday when she was going to be home. I called on Tuesday to confirm and the response, set me back.
She answered the phone as if I was a service provider, who had called at a bad time. She simply said, "I need to reschedule. I'll call you later". No explanation. I was only in town a few days, there was no rescheduling at this point. I didn't have a car, I was relying on everyone elses availability.
She never called.
I was hurt, but most of all. I wondered what I had done. Why was she treating me that way. Eventually I figured out, maybe it wasn't me. Things are not always what they seem. Let it go.
Over the holidays, I thought I would reach out. Be the better person.
After two conversations, the first one rather curt. I broke down and asked. What happened? Why did you treat me that way?
She explained that he boss was sitting next to her in her cube. She was embarrashed and didn't know what to do when the phone rang. She didn't want to get in trouble for a personal call.
I wondered why she hadn't called to explain after. But I let it go. She was in a bad place and I wasn't going to let it put me there too.
Visit with Dad
I had been going down to visit every month, over the same week for the last year. We had all been meeting for dinner on Sunday each visit. I would call my father on the drive down and "remind him".
This visit call was different. He was distracted when he answered the phone. He told me he had another appointment. I understood he was stressed about business and things had been rough for him, althought he rarely admitted them. What bothered me was his tone. I was an inconvenience.
I guess it hit a nerve. I truly felt that he did not love me as much as he loved Scott. That I had to hunt him down when I was a teenager, that he didn't really pursue the relationship. I was a second thought, unwanted. A reminder of a bad marriage.
Rage then hurt, then self doubt entered my mind. What had I done for him to be mad at me? I was always trying to gain my father's acceptance and never felt good enough.
No, I hadn't done anything. I am important. I am valuable. I had to stand up for myself. He couldn't just brush me off. If he wanted/needed to change plans, he should apologize and make new arrangements, like anyone else would. Not ignore me and brush me off.
This visit call was different. He was distracted when he answered the phone. He told me he had another appointment. I understood he was stressed about business and things had been rough for him, althought he rarely admitted them. What bothered me was his tone. I was an inconvenience.
I guess it hit a nerve. I truly felt that he did not love me as much as he loved Scott. That I had to hunt him down when I was a teenager, that he didn't really pursue the relationship. I was a second thought, unwanted. A reminder of a bad marriage.
Rage then hurt, then self doubt entered my mind. What had I done for him to be mad at me? I was always trying to gain my father's acceptance and never felt good enough.
No, I hadn't done anything. I am important. I am valuable. I had to stand up for myself. He couldn't just brush me off. If he wanted/needed to change plans, he should apologize and make new arrangements, like anyone else would. Not ignore me and brush me off.
Interview in New Orleans
She asked me to tell her "what are you most proud of". I immediately answered, "putting in a PTO program". What???? While that took time and taught me a valuable lesson to pilot programs first, it was by far my proudest moment.
Why did I say that?
What is my proudest momment?
I have to say, it was creating a department from scratch. Putting the vision into action. Hiring, training, coaching, setting up processess and documenting steps. That was my proudest moment.
Why didn't I think of that?
Maybe it was because that moment was taken away from me. It was overshadowed by all those bad experiences... dealing with Diane, managing senseless complaints from the business unit because they wanted to do it themselves.
I was forced to dismantle it. Then the business unit was sold and it all was done for nothing.
I learned about how a PEO works and the implementation experience was good. However, it was full of dissapointments and difficult choices.
More importantly, I need to realize all the good that was created and not let it be stolen away. I should proudly acknowledge everything that the team did and not be ashamed.
Why did I say that?
What is my proudest momment?
I have to say, it was creating a department from scratch. Putting the vision into action. Hiring, training, coaching, setting up processess and documenting steps. That was my proudest moment.
Why didn't I think of that?
Maybe it was because that moment was taken away from me. It was overshadowed by all those bad experiences... dealing with Diane, managing senseless complaints from the business unit because they wanted to do it themselves.
I was forced to dismantle it. Then the business unit was sold and it all was done for nothing.
I learned about how a PEO works and the implementation experience was good. However, it was full of dissapointments and difficult choices.
More importantly, I need to realize all the good that was created and not let it be stolen away. I should proudly acknowledge everything that the team did and not be ashamed.
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